161 funny marriage quotes - Page 4 - Wordgag

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle, we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.

May 22, 2026

Apparently, telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say.

May 22, 2026

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu. And then he has questions. Please send help.

May 22, 2026

Do married people watch Gen Z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam?

May 22, 2026

I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids.

May 22, 2026

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

May 21, 2026

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

May 21, 2026

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

May 21, 2026

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

May 21, 2026

A wise man once said: “Yes, darling. You’re right.”

May 21, 2026

I think my wife has got early Alzheimer’s. Every day she tells me that she has no idea what she first saw in me.

May 21, 2026

Do you also watch porn until the end to see if they end up getting married?

May 21, 2026

I always work very hard and intensively to ensure that my wife can proudly say: “That idiot over there? Yes, that’s mine!”

May 21, 2026

Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

May 21, 2026

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

May 21, 2026

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

May 21, 2026

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

May 21, 2026

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

May 21, 2026

I thought I needed a drink. Turns out what I really needed was a divorce.

May 21, 2026

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

May 21, 2026

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

May 20, 2026

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

May 20, 2026

My wife has the worst taste in men.

May 20, 2026

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them.

May 20, 2026

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married.

May 20, 2026

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

May 20, 2026

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

May 20, 2026

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

May 20, 2026

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

May 20, 2026

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

May 20, 2026

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

May 20, 2026

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

May 20, 2026

Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.

May 20, 2026

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

May 20, 2026

I will marry a tall, masculine, lovey-dovey man who can’t breathe when I ignore his existence.

May 20, 2026

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

May 19, 2026

Making friends as an adult is wild because there’s so much lore to catch up on. You’ll be 3 years in and still get random drops like, ‘Oh, by the way, I used to be married.’

May 19, 2026

Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.

May 19, 2026

I don’t know what kind of sex makes y’all want a joint bank account, but I ain’t had it yet.

May 19, 2026

Fun fact: the creator of Barbie and the creator of Hot Wheels were husband and wife.

May 19, 2026