Having a conversation with me is kind of like taking the scenic route.

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Not many things sadder than an untickled fancy.

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Just another day of not being hot and rich.

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Being bilingual means stuttering in both languages.

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I often wonder how men could discover entire continents. Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

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The clitoris has 8,000 nerves, if you gonna get on my nerves, get on one of those.

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Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.

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You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real spider.

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Flat earth is too mainstream, hollow earth is where it’s at.

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Hanging out with your parents as an adult is so interesting, cause it’s like, “Oh, so that’s why I’m like this.”

Someone from 🇺🇸 has copied:

Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”