I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

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Taking action is my least favorite thing to take.

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Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

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Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years.

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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

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I just got lied to by 3K+ people. That recipe was awful.

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“Are you okay?” No, it’s literally Monday every 15 minutes.

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I love being wrong, it’s just like being right except easier and I get to be stupid, which is my favorite thing.

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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.