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When you realize holding onto the corner of a fitted sheet is the most committed relationship you’ve ever been in 😂🛏️
“Do something with your life.” Um, I am. Have you heard of a little thing called squandering?
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Why chase dreams when I can perfect the art of procrastination? 🎨😴
Those security guards at the Samsung store are Guardians of the Galaxy.
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Protecting the tech like it’s their star-studded destiny 🌌🚀🔒
My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons.
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So true! It's like ordering a burger and fries, but having to pay extra for the bun and ketchup 😅🍔👀🦷
They monitor me harder than Britney Spears around here.
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Sounds like you need a pop star's permission to get a coffee break 😂☕👀
What do you mean it’s Monday? We just had Monday. This can’t be right.
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Mondays are like leftovers—somehow, there's always more than you expect! 😂🤦♂️
I’m attracted to people that no one pays attention to.
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Invisible lovers: the ultimate way to avoid awkward small talk! 👻🤔🤣
Before I started my own business, I would suffer from anxiety on Sunday nights. But now that I run my own business, I have anxiety every night.
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Every night is just another chance for my anxiety to throw a party and forget to invite sleep! 🎉😅💼
It’s not sleeping alone if there are crumbs in your bed.
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Crumbs are the most loyal cuddle buddies 😂🍕🥐🛏️
I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd.
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Using viral selfies as bait before dropping a political plot twist—who knew selfies could double as debate tickets? 📸🎣😂