Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house. Posted onMay 20, 2026
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same and you get a dress out of it. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the barbecue is stronger. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make. Posted onMay 20, 2026
It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work. Posted onMay 20, 2026