Men be like, “That’s my dream girl,” then ruin her perspective of love forever. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Please make sure you are only drinking as much water as you REALLY need. We need that for the data centers. If you’re thirsty, AI is thirsty too. Posted onMay 19, 2026
So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
My apologies to the Goodreads reviewer who found my novel about vampires on a submarine, “unrealistic.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
It’s important to fuel your body with essential nutrients, which can be found in cookies, chips, and candy. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“How am I supposed to avoid Al when I’ve procrastinated on a paper?” With a night full of caffeine and nicotine like your forefathers, you babies. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, and if that doesn’t accurately describe my life, I don’t know what does. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Stop bothering me, or I will inform you of a behavioral pattern that is noticeable to other people, but I can tell you are not yet aware of. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Taylor Swift should write a song about when your sleeves keep rolling down every time you wash the dishes. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me, and not the camera version. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If there are parallel realities, I really hope they’re not as stupid as this one. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Waiting in the grocery store parking lot for the rotisserie chickens to be ready. The thrill of the hunt. Posted onMay 19, 2026
To everyone I offended this year: do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t really do one-night stands, but I will do, like, 3-8 months of a semi-toxic, undefined relationship that wastes my time and ruins my life. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I did not spend years turning the faucet off while I brushed my teeth, so corporations could ruin the environment with festering AI slop. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I use karate strictly as a last resort, after I’ve exhausted fleeing and screaming. Posted onMay 19, 2026
This can’t be the same brain I was using to read 750-page novels in 3 days during middle school. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Just cleaned my room in case Beyoncé was somewhere close to my house and her car broke down, and she needed somewhere to sleep. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love staying in a hotel. I’m eating room service in bed while I watch the worst TV show of all time on cable television. I’m working out in the gym and swimming in the pool. I’m using the amenities. To hell with Airbnb. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Glad to be born at a time when I got to see what life was like before the internet, and will be dead before AI completely destroys humanity. Posted onMay 19, 2026