Men call us “gold diggers” when we expect them to pay for a meal. Honey, a gold digger goes after yachts, not a piece of chicken. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Who decided that skeletons are scary? Because honestly, I’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life. Posted onMay 19, 2026
So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I am fluent in silence. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I used to be a night owl, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more of a person who doesn’t function at any time. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The dead bodies on Mt. Everest remind me that it’s perfectly fine to stay home and be lazy. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sometimes I have to turn off the news and put on a true crime documentary, so I can relax. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Men be like, “That’s my dream girl,” then ruin her perspective of love forever. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Please make sure you are only drinking as much water as you REALLY need. We need that for the data centers. If you’re thirsty, AI is thirsty too. Posted onMay 19, 2026
So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
My apologies to the Goodreads reviewer who found my novel about vampires on a submarine, “unrealistic.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
It’s important to fuel your body with essential nutrients, which can be found in cookies, chips, and candy. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“How am I supposed to avoid Al when I’ve procrastinated on a paper?” With a night full of caffeine and nicotine like your forefathers, you babies. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, and if that doesn’t accurately describe my life, I don’t know what does. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Stop bothering me, or I will inform you of a behavioral pattern that is noticeable to other people, but I can tell you are not yet aware of. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Taylor Swift should write a song about when your sleeves keep rolling down every time you wash the dishes. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me, and not the camera version. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If there are parallel realities, I really hope they’re not as stupid as this one. Posted onMay 19, 2026