To-do list: bite the hand that feeds me, put all my eggs in one basket, kill two birds with one stone, let the cat out of the bag, think inside the box, burn bridges, walk on thin ice, play with fire. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Notice how Lorde has a song called “Tennis Court” and not “Pickleball Court”? Tired of y’all pushing that fake sport. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“Is there anything else I can assist you with today?” No, just that one thing you couldn’t assist me with, thanks. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Liking someone who likes you back is probably really good for your mental health. Posted onMay 19, 2026
New cinephile technique “method watching” — when you watch a movie and then act and talk like the main character for 2 months. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Ordered a coffee, and the barista said, “Anything else?” and I almost said, “Stability.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you have a pure heart, you can make pretty much any non-baking meal off just vibes and intuition. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Don’t know how to explain this, but “hot honey” is the pickleball of condiments (derogatory). Posted onMay 19, 2026
Reading a book is nice, but reading a book in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep is even better, it’s therapeutic. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“I’m not jealous of nobody but stay-at-home wives who are married to wealthy men.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
It’s funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I’ll answer my door. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Movies in the 80s had me convinced that a main part of being a grown-up was staying late at the office and eating Chinese takeout. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Worst thing about cutting off all your hair is you go to work and everyone treats you like Today’s Special Boy. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’m always a little mean to men because, if you treat them like humans, they think you wanna sleep with them. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Stopped using exclamation points in work messages so my coworkers know they’ve killed my spirit. Posted onMay 19, 2026
At my next therapy session, I will be discussing the trauma I’ve been dealing with ever since the grocery store layout was altered. Posted onMay 19, 2026
When a documentary starts with an old person going, ‘We’re a small town, we didn’t lock our doors at night,’ oh, we’re gonna find out what made them start. Posted onMay 19, 2026