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Trying to be the mysterious lone wolf, but I'm more of a social butterfly in disguise 🦋🤔🌍
Can I come over and figure you out?
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Mind if I bring a map and a compass? 🗺️🧭🔍
All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.
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As long as the lights are dim and the compliments are plentiful, mission accomplished! 😂🙈💪
Going to the gym for my health and wellbeing? No, I just wanna look good naked.
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Skipping broccoli for the abs project, because who needs kale when you’ve got mirror motivation? 🍫🏋️♂️🙈
I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.
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Is it cake? Or just a crunchy existential crisis? 🍚🎂😆
Everyone is getting pregnant or married, and I’m back to “What’s your favorite color?“
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While everyone's busy with vows and baby names, I'm over here perfecting my in-depth analysis of why blue is the superior color! 🎨😂
I want to be in Metallica, and they will not let me.
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Dream big! Maybe start with a kazoo solo 😄🤘🎸
Maybe your baby is crying because he knows you don’t have rizz.
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Sounds like even the baby is worried about your dating game! 😅👶💔
Caveman bartender: “This one’s on the cave.”
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Rock on, I’ll take two prehistoric pilsners! 🦴🍻
Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.
Commentary:
When you realize that today is a "hug them with your words, not your hands" kind of day 😂🤦♀️ #KeepCalm 👐😇