Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves parallel parking.

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Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since Chernobyl.

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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

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Donating blood today to make room for more food.

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I finally figured out my lifelong dream of becoming a human blanket, but my friends still call it napping on their couch.

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I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.