What I learned from Covid is that it’s basically possible to do all your work from home while drunk.

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Polar bears drinking Coca Cola is my favorite holiday vibe.

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Real introverts are too introverted to tell people they’re introverts.

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Shrimp: “When I grow up, I want to be food waste at a gala.”

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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura.

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Need someone to feed me Doritos while I read, so I don’t mess up the pages. No weirdos.

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You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

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Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake. Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable.