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I put my pants on like everyone else. With hope they still fit.

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Sorry for bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to bash my head into the walls anymore.

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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis, you’re just awake.

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That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

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For Halloween, I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

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How many of y’all are “burn a CD” and “lime wire” old?

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Looking forward to eight hours of trying to get four hours of sleep tonight.

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Oh really? We’ll see what the same six people who always agree with me think about that.

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Got a new Roomba but keeping the old one to see if I can get them to fight.

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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.