Brains are funny. I can remember every word to a song I haven’t heard in 20 years, but I’ve got no clue what my email password is.

50 shares on Pinterest this month:

Here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what’s the same every time? Doritos.

30 shares on Discord this month:

I want Wolverine claws. Not for violence or anything. I want them for easing my way through reality. Like opening an Amazon package.

15 shares on Slack this month:

Very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe.

74 shares on Facebook this month:

Democracy is a fine thing. The bad thing is that the stupid people are allowed to take part.

87 shares on Facebook this month:

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

18 shares on Discord this month:

Why do boys never buy the Pro Max iPhones? I swear it’s only girls with big phones.

15 shares on Telegram this month:

I can’t wait to go to bed, get terrible sleep, and wake up exhausted with a sore back.

67 shares on LinkedIn this month:

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids.

40 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.