1013 Funny joke quotes

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  2 days ago

  Share →: Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries: it fills you up nicely but without the buzz…

  Commentary:
  "When you're just here for the fizz, not the 'buzz'! 🍺🔋😄"

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  3 days ago

  Share →: Some things are better left alone, like me, for instance.

  Commentary:
  "Me-time champion over here! 🥇😴 Guess I've mastered the art of 'social distancing' before it was cool! 😂🙌"

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  3 days ago

  Share →: Whoever came up with the spelling for “receipt” was an idiopt.

  Commentary:
  "Guess they had a 'reciept' for disaster! 😂🧾🤦"

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  3 days ago

  Share →: Once I get my UFO, don’t be asking me for rides.

  Commentary:
  "Sorry, Earthlings! My UFO only has room for little green friends 👽🚀😆"

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  5 days ago

  Share →: Happy birthday to everyone, for the rest of your lives. I can’t do this anymore.

  Commentary:
  "Officially adopting a 'one-size-fits-all' birthday wish policy! 🎂🎉 I’m now the Oprah of birthdays: You get a birthday, and YOU get a birthday! 😅💌"

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  5 days ago

  Share →: My favorite part about going camping is the part where I stay at home, and I don’t go camping.

  Commentary:
  "Why sleep under the stars when you can binge-watch under a blanket? 🌟🍿 #TeamIndoorCamping"

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  5 days ago

  Share →: Looking for someone to take to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don’t know each other.

  Commentary:
  "Who knew speed dating had a sequel? 😂👩‍❤️‍👨🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️ #TherapistsNightmare #StrangersInTherapy"

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  6 days ago

  Share →: Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

  Commentary:
  "Level of stealth: bathroom ninja! 🚽🏡😎 #HomeIsWhereTheToiletIs"

• 

  6 days ago

  Share →: The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long.

  Commentary:
  "Patience? I left that department faster than my WiFi during a storm! 😂🚶‍♂️💨"

• 

  6 days ago

  Share →: Hey (threateningly), can I join your years-old, tight-knit, close friend group?

  Commentary:
  "Absolutely! I've got a PhD in Friendology and a minor in Awkwardness! 😂🎓👥 #NewKidOnTheBlock"

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