76 funny safety quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”. Thanks, but I’ll do my own research.

May 25, 2026

If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

May 25, 2026

Fundamentally, I understand chess, because I too would never let my king feel unsafe.

May 24, 2026

To be fair, a dumpster is like one of the safest places to have a fire.

May 24, 2026

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

May 24, 2026

A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

May 24, 2026

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, Eat cake.

May 24, 2026

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

May 23, 2026

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

May 23, 2026

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research, thanks.

May 23, 2026

Wearing a condom while she’s on birth control is called two-factor authentication.

May 23, 2026

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

May 23, 2026

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes.

May 23, 2026

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work. The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

May 23, 2026

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

May 22, 2026

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

May 22, 2026

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

May 22, 2026

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

May 22, 2026

Needs to be a Google Maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic.

May 22, 2026

One thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction.

May 21, 2026

You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

May 21, 2026

I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

May 21, 2026

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These donuts are for my safety.

May 21, 2026

That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.

May 21, 2026

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

May 21, 2026

DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

May 20, 2026

I don’t mind driving in bad weather. I mind other people driving in bad weather.

May 20, 2026

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance.

May 20, 2026

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

May 20, 2026

Life’s too short to remove the USB drive safely.

May 20, 2026

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.

May 20, 2026

How long past date can I eat eggs? Like are they still good or am I naming them now?

May 20, 2026

The web is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

May 20, 2026

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

May 20, 2026

The dead bodies on Mt. Everest remind me that it’s perfectly fine to stay home and be lazy.

May 19, 2026

I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

May 19, 2026