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Home Funny Quotes Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

New funny quotes ✨

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I enjoy long walks up and down my stairs trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

I enjoy long walks up and down my stairs trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I didn't lose an hour of sleep. The hour of sleep lost me.

I didn’t lose an hour of sleep. The hour of sleep lost me.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I’ve reached a point in my life where if I can’t find parking, I’m just going to go home.

I’ve reached a point in my life where if I can’t find parking, I’m just going to go home.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I just need to lie down for a couple of years.

I just need to lie down for a couple of years.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
The two types of video games are kill everything that moves and Microsoft Excel.

The two types of video games are kill everything that moves and Microsoft Excel.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
You can’t spell crypto without "cry".

You can’t spell crypto without “cry”.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Establish dominance by asking your dentist if he's flossing everyday.

Establish dominance by asking your dentist if he’s flossing everyday.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I have a lot in common with AI. We occasionally provide incorrect information with a confident tone.

I have a lot in common with AI. We occasionally provide incorrect information with a confident tone.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you're the reason why they're stupid.

I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you’re the reason why they’re stupid.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
My cat smells like cigarettes again and I'm sick of his excuses.

My cat smells like cigarettes again and I’m sick of his excuses.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done.

Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025