I just locked eyes with a spider. But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

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All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority are just freelancing.

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Why can’t opportunity just come back later?

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Every time you break spaghetti noodles in half, an Italian has a stroke.

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I like my men like I like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

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I think, therefore I am. I am, therefore I think. Therefore I am. I think.

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Hey, I noticed you’re not saying what I want.

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Everybody looks like a criminal on the self-checkout camera.

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A dating app that matches people by the conspiracy theories they are interested in.

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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.