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"Who said burglars can't be considerate houseguests? 😅 Keeping your valuables by the front door – just in case your uninvited midnight visitors need a quick exit strategy! 🚪💰 #Priorities"

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I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

1 month ago

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Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

1 month ago

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Money talks, and also waves goodbye.

1 month ago

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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

1 month ago

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If you ever feel useless, remember that there are bathrooms at pools.

2 months ago

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“What’s your blood type?” I don’t know, boiling!

4 months ago

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇨🇲 has copied:

Men shouldn’t be allowed to download any app other than Wikipedia.

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I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work.

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I am both dumber and smarter than you think. Do not estimate me.

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You don’t need to leave a message in a bottle. If the bottle is full of tequila, I’ll get the message.

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Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past two years.

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You did all that terrible driving just to end up right next to me at the stop light.

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Nobody stresses a woman out more than a man who isn’t her man yet.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Pinterest:

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.

Going bananas on Twitch:

In your 20s, there will be a cat, and it is very important to get that cat and spend so much money on it.

Going viral on Telegram:

When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me. Like wow, okay, pay my mortgage then.

Breaking via X:

I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

Going viral on Facebook:

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

Money talks, and also waves goodbye.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

If you ever feel useless, remember that there are bathrooms at pools.

“What’s your blood type?” I don’t know, boiling!

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Fun fact: The US was originally not meant to be a reality TV show.

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

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Coffee is better when you have no work.

Imagining how cathartic it must feel to send forth thousands and thousands of bats from your Transylvanian manor.

When I was a kid, they played lame music for middle-aged people in the supermarket, but this morning at Whole Foods, it’s now all amazing bangers from my youth.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner, but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

When someone yells stop I don’t know whether it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.

If you see me in public, it’s AI.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

“I’m gonna decide everyone’s pronouns and sexuality tonight. And, yes, there will be some big surprises.”

No thanks, I’m already in a committed relationship with reading.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called.

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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

Money talks, and also waves goodbye.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

If you ever feel useless, remember that there are bathrooms at pools.

“What’s your blood type?” I don’t know, boiling!

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