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Sometimes I do this fun little thing, where I take the time to write a grocery list, and then I forget it at home.

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Sugar held my hand through every breakup.

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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

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Every frozen pizza is a canvas that needs an artist’s touch.

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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

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Why is 4-8 p.m. on a Sunday the most depressing time ever?