I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

46 shares on Pinterest this month:

All these microplastics in me could at least do some repair work to my knees and back while they’re in there.

58 shares on Messenger this month:

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

74 shares on Snapchat this month:

A collective orgasm would fix the world.

31 shares on Pinterest this month:

Not to brag, but I can put my socks on without sitting down.

55 shares on Slack this month:

Scientists say humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for four months, so who’s really ahead.

88 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m convinced the washing machine is a portal to another dimension for socks.

94 shares on YouTube this month:

Every Reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

64 shares on Reddit this month:

Gatekeeping how insanely handsome I am by looking like total shit all the time.

81 shares on WhatsApp this month:

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well go while I’m here.”

97 shares on Instagram this month:

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.