Imagine if every time you stepped into an elevator, it played the “Mission Impossible” theme.

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Of course I wrote a grocery list. I carefully wrote it all down and then didn’t bring it with me, like my mother and her mother before her.

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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores.

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Lois Lane said, “Clark?” like she didn’t just make out with that same jawline in spandex twelve hours ago.

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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

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You get to a certain age and realize stretching is non-negotiable.

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The Playstation is broken and the child has noticed that I live here too.

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I may regret the megabytes I’ve wasted, but I’ll never regret the megabites I’ve tasted.

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Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

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The rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while I’m there.

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My five-year plan is to get back my whimsy, joy, childlike wonder.