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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is.

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A general rule of parenting: if you’re having a great day, the day isn’t old enough yet.

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I’m officially at the age where I hate unnecessary noises and useless friends.

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January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.

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My love language is being sent money.

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People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

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Adulthood is just waking up tired one day, and then being tired forever after that.

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I’m pretty sure by now that we’re some kind of satire channel on some other planet.

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How does pasta water know when you’re not looking?