Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

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Note to self: Very important! First hang up, then insult.

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It’s actually scary how your whole life depends on how well you did as a teenager.

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A peaceful transition of power happening between me and this cigarette just now.

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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

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People always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected”, but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day.