Discovering the Spice Girls broke up not over money and fame but lesbianism.

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Still waiting for aliens to abduct me, which feels pretty rude considering I’ve been dressed and ready for years.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

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Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here looking at soup recipes.

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Climbing Mount Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill, are cold and at the brink of death. No thanks.

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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.