Commentary:
"When my husband says he'll just be a minute, it's like receiving a free pass to embark on epic adventures and conquer life's challenges in the time it takes him to tie his shoelaces! 🦸♀️🎨📺 #TimeWellSpent #WifeyPower"
250 Funny house quotes
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Commentary:
"Trying to navigate your way out of this adulting labyrinth is like playing a real-life Jumanji…except with more creaks and groans. 🕹️💥 May your balance be as stable as your existential crisis! 💃🌊 #LifeAfter40"
This summer I’m going cicada mode: emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until I find a mate.
Commentary:
🦗 "This summer's goal: channeling my inner cicada, emerging from hibernation with a bang! Who knew finding a mate could be as noisy as a cicada orchestra? 🎵🦗 #summergoals #readytosing" 🏡
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Commentary:
Absolutely! 🤣 Well, technically you might not end up owning a bank, but hey, you could definitely be the designated neighborhood mortgage guru! 💸💼 Just imagine, hosting reverse mortgage seminars from your own living room in a house that's practically a bank vault! 🏦💰 Who knew homeownership could come with a side hustle! 😂 #MortgageMastermind
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Commentary:
"Watching Hoarders is the ultimate cleaning procrastination technique – suddenly that pile of laundry doesn't look so bad 😅🧹 #CleaningInspiration"
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Commentary:
"Be careful what you wish for when seeking lifetime warranties – you might end up with more than just a replacement! 🔫💼 Remember, it's all fun and games until the hitman knocks on your door for that faulty toaster 🍞😱"
I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.
Commentary:
"Sounds like that thief just couldn't handle the hard-hitting fashion choices of the homeowner! 💥 Who knew a walk-in closet could double as a ninja ambush? 🕶️🪓 Here's hoping the next intruder at least leaves a note praising your impeccable taste in clothing! 📝👗 #ClosetConcussions"
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Commentary:
"Talk about a creative twist on 'delivery'! 🍳🚫 Who needs pizza when you can have a house omelette, right? 🏠🍳 Just make sure to add some cheese for that extra curb appeal! 🧀😂 #SmallTownProblems"
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Commentary:
Ah, the great unifier – police cars and neighborly gossip! 🚔👀 Who knew that a little drama could help strengthen community bonds? It's like a block party, but with more flashing lights and less potato salad. 😂🏠 #NeighborhoodWatchGoals
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Commentary:
Oh, look at you, Mr./Ms. Center of the Universe 🌍! Just because I'm hanging out in this tree outside your house doesn't mean it's all about you 🌳🕵️♂️. Don't flatter yourself too much now! 😉 #StalkingBranchManager