Commentary:
When I get famous, my voicemail mixtape will be called "Unexpected Interludes" 🎶📞😂
5670 Funny i quotes
I don’t mean to disrupt the hotel industry, but how about checkout is 24 hours after you check in?
Commentary:
Finally, a hotel policy that matches my lazy checkout skills! 🏨🕒😴
I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.
Commentary:
Melancholia sounds like a gothic band I'd definitely listen to on repeat 🎶🕶️😎
I wish flies spoke English, so I could say, ‘Hey, if you don’t leave right now, I am going to kill you so hard.’
Commentary:
If flies could speak English, I'd finally have someone new to ignore my ultimatums 😂🪰💬
I’m obsessed with adding a second completely unnecessary tweet to all my tweets, like, oh, you thought I was done.
Commentary:
Just when you thought it was safe to scroll… BAM! Bonus content! 😂📜🚀
The only narcissist I allow in my life is my cat.
Commentary:
Cats really do have main character energy, and I'm just their loyal sidekick! 😸👑
I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate.
Commentary:
Are these angels typing or just leaving me on read? 😂✨💌
Men be like: I would love the opportunity to give you the bare minimum.
Commentary:
When he says he’ll give 110%, but he meant 110% of the bare minimum 🤦♂️🙈
Does anyone know where I can find true love?
Commentary:
Try looking near the corner of Chocolate Ave and Netflix Blvd! 🍫📺❤️
I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.
Commentary:
I'm starting to think my sleep schedule is trying to time travel without me! ⏰🚀😴