66 funny news quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

The evening news: Where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.

May 23, 2026

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

May 22, 2026May 22, 2026

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

May 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

May 22, 2026

Great news everyone! The priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery.

May 22, 2026

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor. The bad news: They will only do it when you’re wrong.

May 22, 2026

Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

May 21, 2026

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

May 21, 2026

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.

May 21, 2026

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from social media posts.

May 21, 2026

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

May 21, 2026

Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

May 20, 2026

If ever go missing, please only put pictures of me on the news where I look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me.

May 20, 2026

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

May 20, 2026

BREAKING: OpenAI to partner with OpenAI to help fund OpenAI. OpenAI up 90%.

May 20, 2026

Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

May 19, 2026

I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.

May 19, 2026

Sometimes I have to turn off the news and put on a true crime documentary, so I can relax.

May 19, 2026

The bad news is I forgot to wear my spaghetti-eating shirt. The good news is I have a new spaghetti-eating shirt.

May 19, 2026

The greatest allies fascism and genocide have are the people who say, “I don’t follow the news, it’s too depressing.”

May 19, 2026

Never underestimate the healing power of not watching the news.

May 19, 2026

I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

May 19, 2026

I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

May 19, 2026

Y’all ever withheld good news so that it remains untouched by negativity?

May 19, 2026