66 funny news quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

May 21, 2026

Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

May 20, 2026

If ever go missing, please only put pictures of me on the news where I look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me.

May 20, 2026

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

May 20, 2026

BREAKING: OpenAI to partner with OpenAI to help fund OpenAI. OpenAI up 90%.

May 20, 2026

Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

May 19, 2026

I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.

May 19, 2026

Sometimes I have to turn off the news and put on a true crime documentary, so I can relax.

May 19, 2026

The bad news is I forgot to wear my spaghetti-eating shirt. The good news is I have a new spaghetti-eating shirt.

May 19, 2026

The greatest allies fascism and genocide have are the people who say, “I don’t follow the news, it’s too depressing.”

May 19, 2026

Never underestimate the healing power of not watching the news.

May 19, 2026

I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

May 19, 2026

I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

May 19, 2026

Y’all ever withheld good news so that it remains untouched by negativity?

May 19, 2026

The good news is that I’ve been finding new ways to waste my time.

May 19, 2026

It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot.

May 19, 2026

Pro tip: Avoid the news for a couple of days and have some fun.

May 19, 2026

TMZ will find out you’re dead before you do.

May 18, 2026

Bad news. Right now is as young as you’re going to be.

May 18, 2026May 18, 2026

Good news, I just decided I don’t care about anything anymore.

May 18, 2026

It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands.

May 6, 2026

Using Twitter means knowing the news a week before everyone else.

Apr 23, 2026Apr 23, 2026

Study international relations and political science if you watch the news and think, I’d like this to make me even more depressed.

Apr 1, 2026

I have never read a Hacker News thread where any of the commenters seemed as if their life contained joy.

Apr 1, 2026

We interrupt coverage of one horrible story for breaking news of another horrible story.

Apr 1, 2026

“Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself, while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.

Mar 31, 2026