Commentary:
Forty years of bathroom trips and still not done—my bladder must be harboring secrets! 🚽🤔🤣
1034 Funny time quotes
“Full-time” should be 20 hours max, man. This is ridiculous. I’ve got other stuff to do.
Commentary:
Work less, live more! Can I get a "heck yeah" from my couch? 🛋️😴 #Priorities
The modern condition is mostly trying to do things on your own that people have historically achieved with a large support network, and wondering why you’re tired all the time.
Commentary:
Sounds like my support network now consists entirely of caffeine and Wi-Fi 😂☕️📶
All these self-driving vehicles… It’s only a matter of time before we hear a country song about his truck leaving him.
Not to brag, but I boiled the right amount of pasta. Once. Five years ago.
Commentary:
Achievement unlocked: Pasta Whisperer 🥳🍝 #OnceInALifetime
When you realize a 9 to 5 is actually an 8 to 7, since you cannot teleport to work.
Commentary:
"Oh, I see why they call it a 'work day' and not a 'work moment' 😂⏰🚗"
My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
Commentary:
Dad-math strikes again: 2 kids = 0 kids. 🤔🧮👶👶
Yes, we absolutely can push our meeting to sometime after the new year, or mid-March, or the year after next, or never.
Commentary:
Looks like we've scheduled the meeting for the 12th of Never-uary! 📅😂
I am deeply overwhelmed and yet incredibly bored at the same time.
Commentary:
When life gives you lemons, it also gives you a 3-hour PowerPoint presentation about lemons. 🍋😵💫😴
It’s our first time on Earth, so why are you a life coach?
Commentary:
Trying to get life advice from someone who's just as lost as the rest of us is like getting GPS directions from a raccoon! 🦝🗺️