I hate people that talk to their Apple watch. Fake Power Rangers.

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Nobody is more stressed than a person who has a lot of interests or passions and is still confused about their career.

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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

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You give my middle finger an erection.

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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together.

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When I’m president, I will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm.

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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas.

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Liquor store clerk: “Do you need help?” Me: “Yes, but I decided to come here instead.”

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I don’t care if it’s cliché, I will always enjoy a ‘small town but something messed up is happening’ story.

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The lion doesn’t concern itself with the contents of your prior email.

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Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.