I’m not saying I’m messy, but if Copperfield knew what I can make disappear, he’d be jealous.

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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own.

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I’ve been doing Dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin.

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One of my greatest strengths is appearing busy so people don’t try to speak to me.

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I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

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Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

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If your man cheats on you, dump him and date his dad, make him your step son.

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I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.

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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

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Unpopular opinion: The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.