Met my soulmate again today: mashed potatoes and gravy.

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If the math problems are too difficult for me, I post them online and write: “Only 1 in 10 can solve this problem.”

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Apparently, telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say.

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Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

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Home is where you trust the toilet seats.

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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks.

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If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.

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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

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Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.

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Our dog snores so loud, we had to rename him Grandpa.

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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.