Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

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If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB?

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That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

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Bottle of Worcestershire sauce tipped over in my fridge. The mess is unpronounceable.

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There should be a way to take back a compliment bestowed upon a person who doesn’t acknowledge it well.

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David Attenborough narrating my life: “He’s still sleeping.”

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Never quit, unless it’s too hard.

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Eating wings is the opposite of flying.

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I’ve done the math: If the month had 10 days, I would get by with my money.

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My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.