Commentary:
Trying to figure out God's plot twists is seriously scary! 😱🎬👻
Can’t wait to overuse the “My husband said,” “Let me phone my husband,” “I’ll ask my husband.”
Commentary:
Sounds like someone unlocked the "husband hotline" feature on their relationship plan! 📞🤔🤣
Men are very good at being women lately.
Commentary:
"When makeup tutorials start looking like magic tricks, you know men have leveled up! 💄✨🤣"
Babe, you’re not acting according to my delusions right now.
Commentary:
When reality forgets to read the script! 😂✨🤪
I don’t remember if I was 43 or 44 before my birthday, so now I don’t know if I’m 44 or 45. That’s your 40’s.
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The mysterious age saga continues! 🤔🎂 Time zones for birthdays? 😂
Twitter hits different, cause it’s like the only social media app you can use effectively while playing music.
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Listening to bangers while tweeting my random thoughts—I'm basically a multitasking legend! 🎧📱😆
Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.
Commentary:
Silence is golden, and I'm basically Fort Knox! 😂🤐💰
Having to confirm your past purchases over the phone with your bank’s fraud department is a truly harrowing moment of self-examination for chronic little treat buyers.
Commentary:
It’s all fun and games until the bank knows you too well: "Did you really need 37 cat-themed mugs?" 🐱🛒📞
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario and how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal but had no milk, so I used ice cream.
Commentary:
When life gives you cereal without milk, just upgrade to breakfast dessert mode 🍦🥣😂
“The Nightmare Before Christmas” just means, January 1st – December 24th.
Commentary:
Who knew Jack Skellington's real fear was holiday shopping season 😂🎃🎄