Having a girlfriend is insane because you can literally go to touch them, and they will let you. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Dating outside of your education bracket leads to misunderstandings and arguments. Posted onMay 19, 2026
At this point, if I get picked up by aliens, I’m just gonna go ahead and consider it a rescue mission instead of an abduction. Posted onMay 19, 2026
One of the voices in my head brought up an excellent point, so obviously he had to go. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate that I’m so indecisive. Actually, I don’t know if hate is the right word. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate to break it to you, guys, but my husband says you’re not real. He just called you my imaginary friends. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The greatest allies fascism and genocide have are the people who say, “I don’t follow the news, it’s too depressing.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
Welcome to your 40s, where the hair shows up uninvited and looks pissed to be here. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Getting a wax is wild, like you really just be bust open talking to the lady like it’s nothing. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Awkward is the new sexy. At least that’s what I’m telling myself, so I don’t cry in front of strangers. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I wonder if people who spend all their time screaming on the internet know there are way more fun things to do. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sorry for how I acted when there were multiple noises happening at the same time. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Going out on Friday night will always be better than going out on a Saturday night. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making all of the food that is unhealthy for you taste so good. Posted onMay 19, 2026
When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls, I stay on the line and answer every question with ‘What?’ Posted onMay 19, 2026
When your stomach is really mad at you, and you’re not sure which one of your 13 unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I had a sex dream last night that felt so real, I’m just gonna go ahead and add it to my body count. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Welcome to your 50s. If you don’t have a mysterious ailment, one will be assigned to you shortly. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate overhead lighting – trying to mimic the holy sun should be considered sinful. The lamp is much better, mimicking the hearths of our forebears. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t understand the phrase “You can’t have your cake and eat it” because if I have cake, what the hell else am I supposed to do with it. Posted onMay 19, 2026