Just paid my bills. The only thing left on my card is my name and expiration date. Posted onMay 19, 2026
They say 30 is the new 20, and 40 the new 30. All I know is 9 p.m. is the new midnight. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
We really do need a separate grocery store for people who’ve been on Earth before. Posted onMay 19, 2026
On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair. Posted onMay 19, 2026
That moment when you have to restart a song because the conversations in your head got too loud and you missed half the song. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sometimes I do this fun little thing, where I take the time to write a grocery list, and then I forget it at home. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate when I forget to say something during an argument. Like, hey, let’s argue again, I got better material now. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Every time I think I’m cooked, God moves mountains for me. That’s so nice of Him. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The most disturbing thing about waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise. Posted onMay 19, 2026
UNO is based on luck unless I win, then it’s based on strategy, and I’m a genius. Posted onMay 19, 2026
People who grew up with money will look you in the eyes and ask you something insane like, “Do you ski?” Posted onMay 19, 2026
Never underestimate my ability to stare out a window and not speak for hours on a car ride. Posted onMay 19, 2026