Going out on Friday night will always be better than going out on a Saturday night. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making all of the food that is unhealthy for you taste so good. Posted onMay 19, 2026
When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls, I stay on the line and answer every question with ‘What?’ Posted onMay 19, 2026
When your stomach is really mad at you, and you’re not sure which one of your 13 unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I had a sex dream last night that felt so real, I’m just gonna go ahead and add it to my body count. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Welcome to your 50s. If you don’t have a mysterious ailment, one will be assigned to you shortly. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate overhead lighting – trying to mimic the holy sun should be considered sinful. The lamp is much better, mimicking the hearths of our forebears. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t understand the phrase “You can’t have your cake and eat it” because if I have cake, what the hell else am I supposed to do with it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you don’t like me, remember: it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind, and you don’t matter. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’m a huge fan of saying “You’re welcome” really loudly when people don’t say thank you. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love saying “my man” and not his name, so when I get a new one, nobody knows. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Maybe if we paid our streaming services even more, they could stop jacking up the volume on the commercials they make us watch, even though we are paying for the service. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t know what kind of sex makes y’all want a joint bank account, but I ain’t had it yet. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Old age comes at a bad time. Once you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I have officially reached the age where I am bothered by lights being on, doors left open, loud noises, and people. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Accidentally used men’s shower gel today, and I can already feel myself lying for no reason. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Hear me out: a streaming service that doesn’t keep increasing their prices and actually has movies you want to watch. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Look at you with tape over your camera, while Amazon, Facebook, and Google have your whole life on file. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The lioness does not concern herself with the pile of clothes she moves between bed and chair every day. Posted onMay 19, 2026