Never forget that, just a couple of years ago, people were justifying paying $20,000 for a JPEG of an ape. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Gonna eat birthday cake all day because it’s someone’s birthday out there, and we’re about to celebrate together, stranger. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Having a horse run off on you in medieval times must have been crazy. Imagine if your car got scared and ran away, and you found it a day later by itself at a gas station. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Why is sleeping at night so hard, but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft, fluffy cloud while Adele sings you a lullaby? Posted onMay 19, 2026
An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Super excited for a brand new week of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Posted onMay 19, 2026
People who accuse me of delusions of grandeur, obviously don’t worship me enough. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Do you mind if I wear my black T-shirt covered in pet hair to your fine dining establishment? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore. Posted onMay 19, 2026
This entire “presidency” is like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The older I get, the more I realize how much I love being at home, doing nothing. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’ve had two glasses of wine and responded with “Omgggg congrats, sweet girl” on an engagement post of someone I haven’t spoken to in 5 years. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love beating a dead horse with the girls. There is nothing better than a Saturday night rehashing, and never letting that horse rest in peace. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Who needs a period calendar when I know I’ll have it when I’m crying over nonsense things. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My parents didn’t raise me to order something expensive when someone else is paying. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sat at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green, if you’re wondering how I’m doing today. Posted onMay 19, 2026
One of the most disappointing things is when you get a severe thunderstorm warning, and there is no severe thunderstorm. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Do you ever cycle through the same 4 apps on your phone over and over again, and feel like a tiger pacing its cage at the zoo? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Behind every beautiful woman is either tummy issues, low iron, or poor eyesight. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I have lived way too many lives for people to think they know everything about me. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love how unforgiving soy sauce is. Cause you know immediately when you did too much with her. Posted onMay 19, 2026
One time I refused to buy a watch because it was only waterproof to 100 meters. Not sure what sort of future I was imagining for myself there. Posted onMay 19, 2026