The way Adele works for 6 months and then disappears for 7 years is very much the work-life balance I’m all about. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Underrated life skill: only doing what feels genuinely right and letting everything else go. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Coffee doesn’t even work on me anymore. I just drink it because the taste tricks my brain into thinking I’m a functioning adult. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you say “Excellent choice” after somebody selects a floor in an elevator, you can usually get a pity laugh. Posted onMay 19, 2026
It’s actually crazy we figured out how to grow real diamonds that are cheaper and better quality than the real thing, and so many people are still like, no thanks, the suffering is what makes it special. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Grandparents were right. Sitting in a chair, doing nothing, and staring at nature is incredible. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Twitter is like attaching a message to a balloon, hoping that the right person somehow finds and reads it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Never forget that, just a couple of years ago, people were justifying paying $20,000 for a JPEG of an ape. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Gonna eat birthday cake all day because it’s someone’s birthday out there, and we’re about to celebrate together, stranger. Posted onMay 19, 2026
“I’ve never met a medical receptionist that I believed wanted me to live.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
Having a horse run off on you in medieval times must have been crazy. Imagine if your car got scared and ran away, and you found it a day later by itself at a gas station. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Why is sleeping at night so hard, but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft, fluffy cloud while Adele sings you a lullaby? Posted onMay 19, 2026
An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Super excited for a brand new week of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Posted onMay 19, 2026
People who accuse me of delusions of grandeur, obviously don’t worship me enough. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Do you mind if I wear my black T-shirt covered in pet hair to your fine dining establishment? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore. Posted onMay 19, 2026
This entire “presidency” is like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The older I get, the more I realize how much I love being at home, doing nothing. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’ve had two glasses of wine and responded with “Omgggg congrats, sweet girl” on an engagement post of someone I haven’t spoken to in 5 years. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love beating a dead horse with the girls. There is nothing better than a Saturday night rehashing, and never letting that horse rest in peace. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Who needs a period calendar when I know I’ll have it when I’m crying over nonsense things. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My parents didn’t raise me to order something expensive when someone else is paying. Posted onMay 19, 2026