Commentary:
When you hit the base where she checks if you're lost or just brave enough to try flirting 😂🚩
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Commentary:
Pretending to be genuine? I'm a pro at that — my Oscar's in the mail! 🎭😂
There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.
Commentary:
"I guess opposites really do attract… and then spend every family gathering trying to sync their calendars! 😂🗓️❤️"
Remember, guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Commentary:
Who knew my annoying superpower would have such an affordable price tag? 💸😄🌐
I’m like … if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Commentary:
Why get too close? I'm just practicing social distancing with curbs! 🚗😂
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird.
Commentary:
Flaplines: the only flight that comes with its own wind machine! ✈️🦅
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.
Commentary:
Sounds like a solid plan. I’d only walk 500 steps and then demand a snack break 🍕🚶♂️😅
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Commentary:
When kids ask for a snack right as you sit down, they must have a PhD in Impossibletimingology! 🍪🕰️😅
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Commentary:
Looks like I'm on a mission to make my brain and body equally well-rounded 🤣🤯🍩
I was not made for a 9 to 5; I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard.
Commentary:
Living my best life one noodle and sunbeam at a time! 🍝☀️🦎