Commentary:
Still waiting, but at least I don't have to worry about becoming a dinosaur snack! 🦖🐐😅
“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.
Commentary:
"It's all a matter of whether you packed a raincoat or a helmet! 🌧️😅🏋️♂️"
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down?
Commentary:
Celebrating the thrilling amusement park ride that comes free with every haircut! 🎢💇♂️🎈
You miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer.
Commentary:
Is this why my voicemail has been renamed to 'Missed Drama Collection'? 😂📞💬
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Commentary:
I was hoping to ask them about their departure, exit satisfaction, and if they'd like more cat memes in the future! 😹📉
Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Commentary:
That level of commitment deserves a tick of approval… or maybe a sticky note reminder! 😂📋🖊️
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Commentary:
Can't wait to see all the blurry cat paws and unintentional selfies! 📸🐱✋😆
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Commentary:
Teamwork may make the dream work, but it also makes my eye twitch! 😂🤝🥊
My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.
Commentary:
When your wallet's on a diet but your mom isn't! 🍽️😅🍕
Welcome to your 40s… you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Commentary:
Finally, a perk of aging! Turning 40 just upgraded my excuse game to expert level! 🎉🛋️🚫