A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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I hate when I forget to say something during an argument. Like, hey, let’s argue again, I got better material now.

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It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store.

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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

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As per my last curse, I have no interest in this.

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If you can’t handle me at my weirdest, then leave, because it gets weirder.

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Scientists say humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for four months, so who’s really ahead.

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Bugs have so many legs to make up for their lack of personality.