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"Who needs haters when you can have daters? Turn those frowns upside down and swipe right to a happily ever after with this clever mantra – Don't hate me, date me!"

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Anyone know which wine pairs well with societal collapse?

1 month ago
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I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

2 months ago
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It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

1 month ago
exhaustion, fatigue, humor, nap, need, rest, sleep, yawn
Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”

1 month ago
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Can I come over and be your midnight snack?

1 month ago
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Sleeping nakey nakey nakey just in case Santa wants a different type of cookie tonight.

1 month ago
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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇫🇮 has bookmarked:

In a parallel universe, I go to bed early and wake up fresh and unstoppable.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

“Get a life!” Have you seen some of the lives out there?

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Not to brag but I am evidence of things unseen.

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I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

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I need to consult the woods about this.

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I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat.

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The new American dream is an alien invasion.

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Don’t buy me flowers. A bouquet of KitKats will suffice.

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Gonna finish eating all these Christmas cookies so I’m no longer tempted to eat them.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

That uncle or aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense as you get older.

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Don’t hate me, date me!

Anyone know which wine pairs well with societal collapse?

I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”

Can I come over and be your midnight snack?

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Babies will literally step on your face just to grab what they want.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

First date idea: we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died.

If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

Waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions.

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A female will ghost you, and the whole time she is waiting for you to text back again.

I have this epiphany every night that I need to turn it up a notch.

Good morning, townsfolk. I’m here to slay the monsters.

The only thing I don’t miss about the 90s is people smelling like cigarettes.

Post beach shower is undefeated. Greatest feeling a human could experience. Throw a nap in there, and you will never touch serenity so close.

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I wanna be a villain so I can just saunter everywhere. The heroes are always sprinting, always running. You ever seen Darth Vader run? Hell no. And I ain’t about to either.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Parents may forget many things, but they never forget who brought the noisy toys into the house.

At first I’m shy, then I’m a podcast.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage I’m like “yeah, me know”.

I’m here by unpopular demand.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

Nobody is more cold-blooded than a toddler, just saying what they see and feel.

At the job interview with one AirPod in.

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Don’t hate me, date me!

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Anyone know which wine pairs well with societal collapse?

I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”

Can I come over and be your midnight snack?

Sleeping nakey nakey nakey just in case Santa wants a different type of cookie tonight.

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