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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

I tried to act normal once, worst five minutes of my life.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has bookmarked:

Clearing her mind with a brisk walk along the foggy shoreline.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has shared:

Don’t be boring. Create the gossip you would like to hear.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

I’m so old that when I take a walk down memory lane, I get lost.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has downloaded:

Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has copied:

Tweeting with no audience feels like screaming jokes into a cornfield.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked, whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has shared:

I’m addicted to following the rules I made up. And also breaking the rules I made up.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has viewed:

No, babe, your 10-minute incremental alarms starting a full hour before you actually get up only make me love you more.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has copied:

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,446

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Threads:

That’s kind of sexy of you to be a little weird.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I would cry but my makeup is too expensive.

Seen just now on Threads:

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Freshly posted on Slack:

“Have you asked Chat GPT?” Have you lost your mind?

Shared recently on Messenger:

Hey! (with the intention of going back to sleep)

Just shared via WeChat:

Why can’t periods just last for an hour? Like, you made your point, I’m not pregnant, you can leave now.

Breaking via Facebook:

I look stable, but I talk to animals, and wait for them to reply.

Live now on Discord:

A designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk.

118 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

Excuse me, but would you sign my petition to ban petitions?

3 weeks ago

absurdity, ban, excuse, humor, irony, me, petition, political, request, sign
Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

3 weeks ago

applying, career, excuse, frustration, humor, i, job, jobs, late, sorry, work
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

3 weeks ago

ago, couple, days, excuse, fruit, humor, i, pears, procrastination, ripened, sorry
I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person.

3 weeks ago

anything, appointment, busy, day, day off, else, excuse, humor, i, later, management, person, procrastination, rest, time, time management
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

3 weeks ago

excuse, fault, great, hair, humidity, looks, people, think
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?”

3 weeks ago

call, creativity, excuse, honesty, humor, i, procrastination, simple, used, work
“I bought this while depressed” should be an acceptable reason to get a full refund on a return.

3 weeks ago

acceptable, consumer, consumer rights, depressed, depression, excuse, full, humor, i, reason, refund, retail, return, rights, shopping, should, while
In my defense, I was left alone unsupervised.

3 weeks ago

alone, defense, excuse, humor, i, left, responsibility, unsupervised
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that.

3 weeks ago

couple, daily, daily life, day, every, exactly, excuse, expectation, humor, i, late, life, past, routine, sorry, traffic
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”.

3 weeks ago

ding, excuse, humor, just, kids, parenting, response, say, someone

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All funny excuse quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

68 shares on X this month:

Crazy part about being an overthinker is most times you right.

99 shares on Facebook this month:

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

66 shares on Reddit this month:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I think people who say ‘I don’t know who needs to hear this’ know exactly who needed to hear it.

69 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

100 shares on Threads this month:

My phone is like my lover, it’s the last thing I see at night, and the first thing I wake up to every morning.

50 shares on YouTube this month:

Accept the truth that a clean kitchen and finished laundry are just myths. Embrace the chaos and find your inner calm.

64 shares on Twitch this month:

If you think I’m rude, you should hear the voices in my head.

100 shares on Messenger this month:

Whenever you are feeling down, remember you’re the sperm that won.

31 shares on Snapchat this month:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.

40 shares on TikTok this month:

My OnlyFans is just hours of me untangling Christmas lights.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇩 has viewed:

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

“You look tired.” Yes, bro, I stayed up all night obsessing over things I have no control over.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

There’s two sides to every story, and then there’s these screenshots I got.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the school book fair.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB?

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day, we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has bookmarked:

Liking someone who likes you back is probably really good for your mental health.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has copied:

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has bookmarked:

At Christmas time, all outstanding invoices are always transferred with the reference “Hohoho”.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has copied:

Someone needs to invent a kid that listens the first time.

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

The perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. Preferably siblings. But they can’t both be the same type of stupid. One needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying).

Trending via Pinterest:

“You’re a cougar!” God forbid a woman gives back to the youth.

Shared recently on Threads:

My favorite sex position is any of them. I’m just glad to be involved.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

If you say “awesome sauce” on a first date, you’ll still have that lucky condom in your wallet tomorrow.

Trending via Snapchat:

Awkwardly stares into the abyss in between meetings.

Trending via Reddit:

Crossing things off my to-do list… I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries: it fills you up nicely but without the buzz…

Going viral on Messenger:

Eating dark chocolate is practically eating vegetables.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here.

Spotted on Twitch:

What if AirPods had tongues and they started licking the inside of your ears to indicate they’re low on battery?

Activity Log ✨

118 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

All funny excuse quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Activity Log ✨