Commentary:
"Who said being the bigger person is the only way to go? Sometimes you just gotta embrace your inner guard dog and start barking at people 🐶🗣️ Who's ready to join the pack?"
400 Funny going quotes
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Commentary:
Looks like they really know how to stir things up on a first date 😂🍴 Who knew gravy could be the key to romance? #GravyGoals
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Commentary:
"Dealing with mail is like picking out a diamond in a pile of trash! 😂💎 Don't forget to respond to that one piece or you might end up in a 'mail'ing cell! 📬🚓"
I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.
Commentary:
"Wow, with almost 100,000 miles on your office chair, you must be the Lewis Hamilton of the workplace! 🏎️💨 At least you can boast about your impressive 'chair-acing' skills! 😂 #WinningAtSitting"
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Commentary:
"Looks like someone hit a double whammy of lack of car knowledge and social skills! 🤣 Remember, folks, when offering help, it's best to be prepared in all aspects of life! 🚗💁♀️"
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Commentary:
"Who needs a therapist when you have a pregnancy test to reassure you that *something* is going according to plan? 🙈🤰 #SilverLinings"
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Commentary:
Looks like someone's stealthily sneaking onto the weekend getaway train! 🕵️♂️🚆 Either way, it sounds like a surprise adventure awaits! Just be prepared for the reaction when the secret is out! 😄 #WeekendSurprise
I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.
Commentary:
"Ah, the irony of parenting – you think you're going to drop some insightful life lessons on your kids, only to realize they're already living those lessons! 🤪🍻 Just when you thought you had it all figured out… Parenting: making you question everything since forever! 🤦♂️🤷♀️"
Going ballistic. Anyone need anything?
Commentary:
"Watch out, we've got a ballistic overachiever on the loose! 🚀 Better take cover before they launch into a shopping frenzy. Anyone need a helmet or some extra ammo for their shopping cart? 😂💥"
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal wanderer yearning for comfort of the nest! 🐦🏠 Perhaps in a past life, you were indeed a speedy messenger of old, eagerly seeking the cozy corners of your dovecote. Who knows, maybe even now your thoughts flutter homewards like a pigeon on a mission!"