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I'm all in for a T-rex taco or a saber-tooth sausage! 🦖🌮😂
269 Funny new quotes
Starting a new life today, bye.
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Guess I'll just pack up my collection of stress and anxiety for the move! 🚪🏃♀️💼😅
Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days.
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Who knew that "new job immunity" was the latest health trend? Where's my cape and superpowers? 🦸♂️💼😅
Super excited about a brand new week of self-sabotage.
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Ready to tackle another week of accidentally-on-purpose failing like a pro! 😅🎉 #SelfSabotageChampion
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.
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Well, at least now you can say your social life is on fire! 🔥😄⛄️
Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places.
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When a grocery trip turns into hide and seek! 🛒🔍😅
My daughter’s new Bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared, and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it.
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Looks like that mic took a one-way ticket to the island of lost socks and parental sanity! 🎤🧦🚀
Welcome to your 50s, where coffee is the new happy hour and mornings are the new hangover.
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When the highlight of your day is finding the perfect nap position ☕😴 #50sLife
Corporate life is watching someone get promoted and suddenly develop a new personality in meetings.
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When Bob gets promoted and suddenly thinks he's the CEO of everything 😂👔🔝
And today, just like every day, I learned something new . . . but I’m old, so I forgot what it was already.
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Growing older: gaining wisdom points but with a high chance of memory wipe! 🧠✨🙃