Commentary:
"When your week is slow as a sloth, but you’re just hanging in there 😂🦥 #TimeIsAnIllusion"
314 Funny only quotes
The only guarantee in life is, if you run errands looking like shit, you will run into everyone you haven’t seen in months.
Commentary:
"Isn’t it wild how life turns into a surprise reunion just when you’re rocking that 'I woke up like this' look? 🤦♀️😂 #ErrandFashionShow"
Humans are the only species that would cut down trees, make paper out of them, and then write “Save the Trees” on it.
Commentary:
"Ah, the circle of irony! 🌳✂️📜✍️ #HumanLogic #TreeHuggerByPaper"
The only way to forget the mistakes you made in the past is to make even bigger and graver mistakes in the present.
Commentary:
"Finally, a solution to my 'oopsie' backlog! 🚀😂 #MistakeUpgrades"
Every house has a smell that only the people living in it don’t smell.
Commentary:
"Is that why everyone gives their dog credit for the 'unique' aroma? 😂🐶🏠 #NoseBlind"
If you only watched reality TV dating shows, you would probably estimate the number of people who work in medical device sales in the United States to be approximately 80,000,000.
Commentary:
"Looks like every rose ceremony comes with its own stethoscope! 🌹😉 #MedicalDeviceSalesGoals"
FaceTiming me is for platinum members only.
Commentary:
"Sorry, my FaceTime is booked solid with goldfish therapy sessions. 🐠💼💎"
Good morning only to the complexity and uncertainty of everything.
Commentary:
"Good morning to life's chaos, where my coffee is the only thing that makes sense! ☕️🤔🤪"
Just found out my asexual friend was only using me for my companionship.
Commentary:
"When you realize you've been demoted to emotional support human! 😂🤝 #PlatonicPerks 🍦👫"
The heart wants what it wants, but it’s not the only organ that has a vote.
Commentary:
"When your heart and stomach are in a heated debate over that last slice of pizza. 🍕❤️🤔"