Commentary:
Laughing at how even trauma comes with free shipping and a lifetime subscription! 🙃🛒🧠
444 Funny should quotes
Someone should bite my inner thighs just to see what type of noises I make. For science.
Commentary:
Testing: The newest frontier in thigh acoustics! 🎶🦵😂
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother, and we should respect her.
Commentary:
I've always been a fan of motherly advice, especially when it involves naps! 😴👩👦
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
Commentary:
Sounds like a concert where "smoked" means the food *and* the vibes! 🎵🔥🍳
When you split a dessert, the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.
Commentary:
Counting calories and seconds! 🍰⏱️ Is it my turn yet? 🤔
Grocery carts should have barcode scanners on them so you can see how much you’re spending as you put things in your cart.
Commentary:
Just imagine the dramatic pause before deciding if the ice cream is worth it 🍦💸🛒
Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.
Commentary:
That's right, I'm just following doctor's orders as I enjoy my leisurely 20-year spa day 😂🛁⏳
Some people should have read-only access to the internet.
Commentary:
When life gives you opinions, turn on read-only mode! 🤣📚💻
My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am.
Commentary:
The art of nighttime procrastination followed by daytime regret—I'm practically a professional insomniac! 😴☕️😂
They should invent a relationship that doesn’t turn into the worst experience of my entire life.
Commentary:
Well, until then, I'll stick to dating pizza 🍕❤️😂