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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇲 has shared:

I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter. Me, on fire: WHAT?

Someone from 🇨🇿 has shared:

I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you’re the reason why they’re stupid.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has shared:

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has bookmarked:

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has shared:

They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

Wait, making the right choices is an option?!

Someone from 🇧🇼 has downloaded:

That second wave of sleep after waking up too early.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,691

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Facebook:

It’s called a Caesar Salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid.

Freshly posted on Discord:

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.

Just landed via Messenger:

Airports are the perfect place to see people who are experiencing their first day on Earth.

Making waves on Pinterest:

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Making waves on X:

Pouring an ice-cold glass of anxiety.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Live now on Slack:

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for my neighbor who just can not shut up about his battles.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

If you see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session with myself in my head.

2 months ago

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When the therapist in your head charges by the hour, so you schedule sessions during meetings 🤔🧠💸

having, head, health, humor, looking, me, mental, mental health, myself, self-reflection, self-talk, session, therapy, zoned, zoned out

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28 shares on Slack this month:

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

I literally just went through something, and now I’m going through something else. What’s next?

83 shares on Twitch this month:

The dopamine hit of getting an Outlook meeting cancellation is unrivaled.

40 shares on Discord this month:

80 percent of my life now is just “hmmmm… should I bring my jacket or not?”

22 shares on Twitch this month:

Are you bad wifi, cause im feeling no connection here.

74 shares on YouTube this month:

Some of you aren’t reading the room. Not even listening to the room on audiobook.

41 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Had some plain yogurt with protein powder in it for breakfast, and not only is it high in protein and very filling, it’s also disgusting.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

90 shares on Pinterest this month:

The fine art of sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.

76 shares on Twitch this month:

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for those cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇳 has shared:

Of course I do cardio. It’s called running from my problems.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has viewed:

I have two reactions when I leave the house: Ew, the people. Ew, the weather.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has bookmarked:

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

Ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has viewed:

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

Since there are no other Vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison, Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has bookmarked:

We should bring gargoyles back, more buildings need freaky little guys on them.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has bookmarked:

I’m only here to test your patience, but like, in a sexy way.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has shared:

The shower is the only one who gets turned on when I’m naked.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on WeChat:

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a Capri Sun.

Just shared via Telegram:

I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

(at an incredibly low point in my life) I should start dating again.

Just landed via WeChat:

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Seen just now on Reddit:

I didn’t forget about you; my algorithm did.

Spotted on WeChat:

Proudly doing my part to cause the male loneliness epidemic.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.

Live now on Snapchat:

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Spotted on Snapchat:

Post-standing clarity is like, damn, I could have been sitting this whole time.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

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Activity Log ✨

If you see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session with myself in my head.

If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.

Opposites often not only attract each other, they often also undress each other.

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.

You don’t see people giving bunny ears in photos anymore.

Just learned in psychology that when a man goes to sleep first, it’s because he’s comfortable around you and wants you to go through his phone.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If you see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session with myself in my head.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.

Opposites often not only attract each other, they often also undress each other.

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.

You don’t see people giving bunny ears in photos anymore.

Just learned in psychology that when a man goes to sleep first, it’s because he’s comfortable around you and wants you to go through his phone.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨