I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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“The average CEO reads 52 books a year.” Yeah, because they’ve got nothing else to do.

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Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

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This coffee isn’t working. Think I need holy water.

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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

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I hate it when I go to hug someone sexy and hit my head on the mirror.

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McDonald’s is finally promoting good health by making their food unaffordable.

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I’m not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed.

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The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours.

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So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally, I would have known you in a past life.