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Someone from 🇲🇨 has viewed:

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still.

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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

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90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.

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I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us.

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Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

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Not now, I’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has shared:

I could have done without braces back then. What’s the point of having perfect teeth if I have no reason to smile?

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When you accidentally laugh at your own thoughts, and now people are staring.

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Sometimes I say “huh,” then answer the question before you can repeat your question.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has viewed:

Problematic bed time gap relationship.

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764 added this month

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10,926

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Live now on Messenger:

I bought a book on Feng Shui, but I don’t know where to put it.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Tip on how best to start a conversation with me: Not at all.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

Making waves on Discord:

Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

Reported on Reddit:

Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.

Just landed via Discord:

She’s got style. She’s got grace. She dropped her cellphone on her face. She’s a lady.

Shared recently on Reddit:

“At your big age” is one of my favorite insults.

Just shared via Messenger:

I’m really looking forward to another exciting year staring at my phone.

Just landed via Reddit:

I don’t hide from my problems, I just ignore them until they lose interest.

Instead of those cute mini pizzas, they should invent gigantic ones that take four people to carry.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"When pizza becomes a team sport! 🍕💪😂 Where do I sign up for the 'Pizza Lifting Olympics'?!"

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Someone from 🇭🇳 has copied:

I love when my brain cells kiss and I have an idea.

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Thank you for being friends with me. Baffling decision, but thank you.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has shared:

When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

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All day I think about sleep but when it’s time to go to bed I don’t wanna.

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Stop blaming others for your mistakes. Study Feng Shui and blame the furniture.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

It’s crazy that we’re closer to the year 3000 then I am to finding love.

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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse.

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Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

I was actually about to do a workout when the couch threw itself protectively under me.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has downloaded:

I kind of miss when people stood 6 feet away.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

Sometimes life is like a cowshed. You step from one turd into the next.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

I find it extremely hard to believe that you’re rolling on the floor laughing.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Car rides by yourself with loud music… they’re good for the soul.

Just landed via Twitch:

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the TV.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Pets don’t talk because the moment they do, the government will tax them.

Shared recently on Discord:

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

Broadcasted on TikTok:

Some of you aren’t reading the room. Not even listening to the room on audiobook.

Just shared via Messenger:

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our car windows.

Seen just now on Instagram:

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

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Instead of those cute mini pizzas, they should invent gigantic ones that take four people to carry.

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I’ve used dark mode so much that I’m physically repulsed by white screens now.

What are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness?

My retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding a buried treasure at some point.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

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The only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

If you’re 20, please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

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Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

Transgender ambulance driver whose pronouns are we/you/we/you/we/you.

Why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra-long bathroom break and steal company time instead?

Wow, this is a really nice, sturdy box. I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Idea: An app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

If I had a bf, I’d be a gf.

All these deadlines, but it’s you I want to meet.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

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Instead of those cute mini pizzas, they should invent gigantic ones that take four people to carry.

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