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Home Funny Quotes No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

New funny quotes ✨

You can add tears while cooking if you don't have salt.

You can add tears while cooking if you don’t have salt.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Sometimes the whole point of going out is to then really savor coming back home.

Sometimes the whole point of going out is to then really savor coming back home.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I am woman, hear me roar but also meow because I am sensitive.

I am woman, hear me roar but also meow because I am sensitive.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Don't forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Daylight savings is just a made up holiday to sell more daylight.

Daylight savings is just a made up holiday to sell more daylight.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
For International Women’s Day, I’m going to celebrate by hitting every curb I see.

For International Women’s Day, I’m going to celebrate by hitting every curb I see.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Coffee and more coffee is a perfect combo.

Coffee and more coffee is a perfect combo.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
No amount of daylight can save us.

No amount of daylight can save us.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I can’t believe I used to think I was stressed in high school.

I can’t believe I used to think I was stressed in high school.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
"You're so quiet!" Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I wish you could put your whole life on do not disturb.

I wish you could put your whole life on do not disturb.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
I wish religion made people nicer to each other.

I wish religion made people nicer to each other.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
Good morning only to those who duel at dawn, drink at dusk, and haunt their lovers in between.

Good morning only to those who duel at dawn, drink at dusk, and haunt their lovers in between.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025
It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Funny Quotes Mar 9, 2025