I hate when you leave your phone on the side, and it brings up that red evil clock. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I started calling the new guy at work “Grok” because he thinks he knows everything. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My ex is somewhere telling his new girlfriend how bad I was, and she’s smiling, thinking she made it in life. Two idiots. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’m not saying I’m old. I’m just saying that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to each other. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Welcome to your 50’s; you can have a really good laugh at everyone moaning about their aches and pains in their 30’s. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I have tasted sending long paragraphs, and I have tasted saying OK. I highly recommend saying OK. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Hansel and Gretel weren’t wrong, every bad decision I’ve ever made started with being hungry. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Every time my neighbors start moaning, I pause my music to rate the performance. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Remember when the most annoying thing about Twitter was trying to think of a shorter word. Posted onMay 19, 2026
In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from. Posted onMay 19, 2026